Land Rover Defender 130 - long-term review

Facial hair has quite a bit in common with the Land Rover Defender. No, this isn’t some swipe at beardy types who take their off-roading a bit too seriously, it’s an observation I’ve made over the last few months.

You see, for years I risked lacerating my face every morning with a razor in the belief that beards were a fashion statement, and because I didn’t live in East London, not one that I wanted to make. But then, having a beer with a hirsute friend of mine, I discovered the real reason for cultivating face fur is pure laziness, you only have to trim once a week tops, once a month if you’re going for the full Brian Blessed. Needless to say, I’m now a beard-wearer for life.

I find myself in a quandary with the Defender 130, because as we all know Defenders (and off-roaders in general) always look better with a bit of dirt encrusted on their underbellies and sprayed down their sides. They just do. This plays perfectly into my inherent laziness – less car washing, cooler looking car.

Which is why, and I’m slightly disgusted with myself for saying this, I haven’t washed the Defender since it arrived. I’ve hoovered out and wiped down the interior several times of course, I’m not an animal, but the full scrub? Nope.

There’s method to my bone idleness though, because washing our particular Defender 130 V8 fundamentally changes its character. Covered in dirt it looks entirely acceptable to the Horse and Hound set and blends seamlessly into country life. However, clean and shiny with its black-on-black colour scheme, quad pipes and none of the off-road accessories, it looks like I’m off to do highly suspect things. You see my dilemma.

A man can only take so much crud though, so this month I folded and handed it over to my local hand car wash for a full inside and out going over. Which came to £40. FORTY QUID. I know the 130 is freakishly large, but that’s just silly. On the other hand, that’s only £6.66 a month spent since it’s been in my possession.

To add insult to injury, all the dirt couldn’t be blasted off. There are still some particularly tenacious splatters on the lower sills and door area that are stuck faster than week-old porridge, and the car wash technician didn’t fancy scrubbing too hard in case he damaged the paintwork. It needs a polish, apparently, which I’ll look into. Or just cover the old dirt with more dirt?