EU to ban rubber after carbon fibre u-turn

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The European Union is set to ban the use of rubber in manufacturing, on the basis that not having wheels will stop cars from emitting any CO2 at all.

TopGear.com understands the initial plan to outlaw carbon fibre was dropped earlier this week when the EU realised banning rubber instead would reduce vehicle emissions to almost nil.

By disrupting the tyre supply chain, all cars will be forced to sit immobile on cinder blocks until their metal carcasses are weathered away and claimed by the sands of time.

Exceptions will be made for emergency service vehicles and Deliveroo bikes, but only if their wheels are made from a vegan alternative derived from hemp.

“We’re committed to hitting net zero by any means necessary, even if the method for doing it makes life as we know it literally impossible,” said an insider.

“We’re halfway there already. Home working means the only people still driving are those who’ve been forced to go to the office or use Microsoft Teams. And we can switch that sorry lot onto Zoom, no problem.

“But look, people have complained relentlessly about the speed limit warning bongs and lane keep assistance that we made mandatory. Well, this solves both of those things in one fell swoop.

“Honestly, some people are never happy.”